Thursday, January 21st. It is still a brain tease of a journey playing in the flow, never knowing moment by moment what is going to land and what is going to tank. Jean--the woman who began this whole journey--continues to be my trim-tab, the English speaking voice of when things aren't landing. My charges look like teenagers, so clean scrubbed and bright and happy--and they are all in their 20's and 30's. I am finding that muscle testing, which is necessary to do in the United States is awkward and confusing here in China. I may have to rethink using it here. In the U.S. we are a culture of individuals, who carry our emotions out in the open for the most part. Gaining permission to enter the ‘damaged part’ of the emotional space of another person is vital, hence the muscle testing allows for the connection which communicates between facilitator and client. Here in China, living in a community is prevalent, so the connection is well established without the need to muscle test.
Tomorrow we will be working with 10 mothers who had children die in the quake, and then on our final day we will be working with a group of children who were trapped in the rubble of their school building for 28 hours. Tonight, I was able to work with a father whose daughter died in the quake. His wife is in really bad shape and so he had that worry on top of everything else. He felt much better after we worked through the energy of pain for his daughter, the energy of hopelessness about what to do for his wife, and the energy of worry for her. It was the most amazing work, I was so honored by his courage and trust and vulnerability.
What else is there to say except that I had sugar cane tonight for the very first time.
Friday, January 22nd. Well, the mothers have come and gone. We were not able to work with as many as I had hoped. There was so much new material covered over the last 2 days that the volunteers for the most part felt a bit overwhelmed. I think that the work with muscle testing was confusing for a few of the attendees, a group of visiting workers did not return for our work today. One courageous mother was willing to work with me in front of the group. This led to a couple of interesting things that I was able to learn about the difference in Chinese culture. Grieving here is a ‘years long’ process, building up the first year and escalating the second year. So, these mothers are just into the middle of their second year of their grieving process. That alone showed me how much courage this mother had. Also, as she found the area of pain in her heart, I found it was helpful for her to breathe in to gain strength in her body, and then breathe out and move slowly closer to the center of the pain. This gradual process of ‘breathing in and getting grounded and breathing out and moving closer’ is something I will include in all future workshops.
Then there is the thing about crying--they don't cry except when alone, and then very rarely. Working with Westerners, tears are often a distraction which allows the person to avoid feeling things fully. When a Westerner cries, at least 90% of the time we will guide them to channel the energy they are putting into their tears into the area of their body where they are feeling the emotional energy. So as I worked with the mother, when she teared up, I muscle tested to insure that it was best to allow her to cry. When she cried, the other mothers in the room cried with her. It was as if her openness and vulnerability allowed them to be vulnerable as well. Their tears also seemed to let her know that she was not alone. I have witnessed a similar camaraderie when working with war veterans. Sometimes a soldier will need another soldier to stand close and offer a supporting hand on the shoulder. This also provides the safety of knowing he is not alone.
Soon, the mother stopped crying and continued working and then suddenly was tired, and I checked that it was best to finish. When she stood up, her legs gave out from under her and two people had to help her to her room, where she openly cried again. Fifteen minutes later, she called me into the room to tell me that she felt much better. When I checked, she let me know that her pain was much lower than when we began. Her face looked calm and peaceful, not pinched and drawn as when she first arrived. Also her color was better—healthier in appearance. I let her know that this is a process, with many layers to work through, and that she is fortunate that her therapist Me-Me is so gifted in this work. She rejoined the group and shared her results with the other mothers, who were then willing to work with me one at a time, privately.
A few of the mothers had to leave after lunch, so instead of Me -and Mei working with 10 women with my supervision, I worked with 4, while Me-Me and Mia observed me; and the last mother was in such good shape all she wanted was for me to check to see if a physical condition that she currently had was being helped by the medication she was taking. Her body resonated with the medication being effective for her condition. One of the mothers was withdrawn and did not want to close her eyes or show any emotion. Her mouth was pinched; it was clear that she wanted and needed to cry but was holding back her tears. As I worked with her she finally let her guard down and began to cry—which is what she needed—the space and permission to express her grief and sadness. However, as soon as her tears began, Me-Me and my translator reached out and touched her. Immediately she shut down and closed herself off, and it will take beginning again to achieve that small opening which is needed here.
This led to another important discovery. The volunteers were not prepared for the emotions and tears which occurred during the demonstration. It is imperative that more work be done with the volunteers so that they will not be uncomfortable when one of their clients cry. It is predictable that mothers will cry as they do this work, and that the crying is an integral and important part of their healing.
I also think my reserves are a bit drained because I just felt sadness at the end of the day, feeling like I let the head psychologist, Liu Meng down by not having time to help all the mothers. He assured me that he thought we did great work, and that it is best to let just a few of the volunteers who really have taken to this work be the ones to work ‘one on one’.
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